Exquisite Courts

I saw this over at Posting and Toasting, and it made me laugh really hard.  I’m sharing it with you so you can take it with you wherever you may go.

hello.  everyone has been asking me:  stingy, how do you get to feel
so fantastic?  well, folks – aside from naturally having the softest
skin you could possibly imagine – it’s not as easy as it seems.  in
fact, it is a leathery tough job.  but there is most certainly a way.
 so with a few quick tips and quips, i’ll attempt to show how you too
can feel fantastic!  let’s begin then, shall we…

 

in order to get the ball rolling let’s examine an average american
week.  in america there are seven days in a week.  five of these days
usually involve some sort of school or work environment.  two days,
known as “weekends”, bookend the five “weekdays”.  so basically what
you have is 5 days of utter boredom, anger, repulsion, confusion and
stress-ridden nonsense – surrounded by two days of people trying to
destroy the feelings involved of the past week and incubate themselves
from the week to come.  it’s really sad and bizarre.  yet some folks
enjoy what we call the grind.  which is fascinating and (again)
bizarre.  perhaps you suffer from some of the pratfalls of the american
week.  perhaps you have been curious about how to gain your very own
fantastic feel.  well, friends, here’s what you do…

 

in order to have a fantastic feel, you must first start with getting
cleaned up nice and proper.  it’s the only way to start a day.  apply
your very own eau d’antoni.  and prepare to clyde oneself.  you want to
look sharp in order to feel sharp.  your clydes should be crisp and
neat.  the colors and textures should relate to your personality, and
how you plan to feel on the given day.  far from home?  maybe wear some
darker colors to imply a deeper rooted sense of strength.  whatever you
do, just know that there should be no expense spared on one’s
appearance.  once you are settled.  we can move on.  i’ll
wait………..

 

ready?  ok.  a good way to have a fantastic feel is to pretend you
own two companies.  one company should be strong and successful, filled
with power and finesse.  the other should be your sleek and tricky
gambler, sometimes it makes money and sometimes it doesn’t.  but it
 never loses money, oh no!  it just doesn’t know how.  this wild card
company will run around wreaking havoc and filter all the positive
gains through to the monolith you have developed and nurtured into a
behemoth on the block.  these two companies make you the bull goose
looney.  and nobody wants to mess with the bull goose looney.
 imagine!??

 

ok there, have a step back, let’s take a look.  that’s right!  you
look and smell fantastic!  i mean really quite wonderful.  the
confidence you exude really brings up my spirits!  i want to be around
you!  i think we can really have a wonderful relationship, you and i.
 pause.  i don’t even desire to be the bull goose looney, oh no my
friend.  i want you to be the bull goose looney, and i’ll just back you
up.  when there’s tough times, i’ll be here for you no matter what
happens!  that’s right, you are fantastic!  and i’m so excited to see
you here!  you are a real champion of the people!  

 

you know what!?  if you really want to feel fantastic – you know
what you should do is take the day off!  take two days off in fact.  in
the middle of the week, no less.  yea thats the ticket!  go out and
have a drink with a lady on monday evening.  lay low on tuesday.  stay
home wednesday and thursday.  nothing bad happens on friday.  so today
and tomorrow and then the weekend.  things are looking up my friend.
 can you feel it?

 

i know, i know, its been a rough go of things lately.  who hasn’t
felt the pressures and constrictions of the world at large.  but the
air is crisp.  you look great, you smell glorious, you have an assured
sensibility about you.  i look at you and i see a sense of importance.
 it’s instantly recognizable!  i want to please you.  no homo.  i know
i have dealt with terrible bouts of CPD (chronic punctuality disorder)
- but you fill me with the fire and desire to be on time for whatever
happens tonight!  ready, willing and able!  excited and delighted!  

 

i tell ya boy – if you want to feel fantastic.  you have to make
others feel fantastic.  and you make me feel fantastic!!  have at ‘em
kid.

http://www.postingandtoasting.com/2009/1/21/729924/stingy-d-s-guide-to-a-fant